Our Own National Park Survey

Yesterday morning and early afternoon, Bitter and I had some time to do our own survey of some National Parks, to see whether gun owners had thoroughly defiled them, and whether it did indeed sound like the opening day of deer season, as gun owners shot everything in sight. Let’s take a look at Teddy Roosevelt Island.

This park is situated on the Potomac, which means it’s technically in the District, but access is from gun nutty Virginia, and since gun owners there can’t help themselves with some drinkin’ and shootin’, we thought for sure we’d have to run for cover. Notice the Teddy Roosevelt statue on the Island is free of bullet holes (unlike the real TR), and there’s a distinct lack of empty brass casings on the ground. As far as noise, the loudest thing you’ll hear on TR Island is the sound of planes taking off from Reagan National Airport. We figured visiting this park just wasn’t really enough, since it is technically in the District. We decided that, since gun owners are so obviously the disrespectful types with no control over their most basic impulses, that we’d head over to Arlington National Cemetery, which is situated entirely within the Commonwealth of Virginia.Surely we’d be inundated by the sound of guns firing into the air as gun owners mourned all their dead confederate relatives. Now there’s nothing these impulsive gun owners hate themselves more than a Kennedy, so surely JFK’s grave would have been quickly defiled by bullet holes and empty shell casings, but it was in good shape, along with RFK and Teddy’s recent grave. Arlington was also quiet. Eerily quiet. Surely gun owners must be planning some kind of mayhem. We decided to head up to Bobby Lee’s old house, to see if maybe some of the good old boys got themselves an idea to storm up the hill and retake Arlington House in the name of the South. This seemed highly plausible, that maybe they’d save the Kennedy hatin’ for later, and get Bobby Lee’s house back first, but something clearly must have been wrong.

Quiet reverence is the best way to describe the scene at Arlington National Cemetery. We figured maybe it’s because Bobby Lee’s house is posted as a federal facility. But the visitors center was not posted, and you could enter the cemetery without having to go through it. We will note, however, that one park ranger was seen openly carrying a side arm. Obviously scaring children and gun control supporters in the process. But perhaps the real conclusion is that all the hysterics on the part of the media are, in fact, completely overblown. The sun will continue to rise and set on our National Parks, and people will enjoy them much in the same way they did before, rules allowing guns to the contrary.