Category: Funny

I guess the White House could only hold out against the onslaught of grassroots action from the gun control crowds for so long.

President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of the Oval Office, where nobody could see or hear him. “The Second Amendment doesn’t…” said Obama, who trailed off and gently whispered a number of strong, definitive statements that were muffled by the hand in front of his face.

Go read the whole thing for more details on this major policy speech.

We’ve been listening to Alfie Boe’s Bring Him Home ever since it (finally) arrived from the UK a week or so ago. One of the songs he covers is “On the Street Where You Live,” a favorite of mine from My Fair Lady.

This evening, after comparing a few versions of the song, Sebastian made the following observation. This might be a romantic song, but if you tried to sing it today, you’d only end up with a restraining order. For those of you unwilling to enjoy a show tune, here are the key lyrics:

I have often walked down this street before;
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before.
All at once am I Several stories high.
Knowing I’m on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour Out of ev’ry door?
No, it’s just on the street where you live!
And oh! The towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear!
People stop and stare. They don’t bother me.
For there’s no where else on earth that I would rather be.
Let the time go by, I won’t care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.

An amusing take on our current times:

It’s about time that they sent out honest pleas for money.

Image by Jungleman and found via HumaneWatch.

6 Animals Humans Made Way Scarier. Number five is cougars:

According to some researchers, mankind’s cessation of anti-cougar activities has caused the cats to lose their fear of humanity. And really, we shouldn’t need researchers to tell us that, if we don’t show large predators we pose at least some kind of threat, they’re going to learn to think of us as soft, pink, vertical burritos ripe for the snacking.

They lament the difficulty of dealing with this problem, noting that “Unfortunately, the solution to this problem is far from simple, since ‘Shoot more cats, and when you do, by god, aim for the kittens!’ is not exactly a catchy rallying cry.” I beg to differ!

To be fair, this is probably far more effective to use on Black Bart’s gang than a BB gun.

For your ho! ho! holiday enjoyment:

I love NORAD’s Santa tracking efforts. They put out all kinds of cute stuff and news for kids throughout the holiday season. I just lay this out there to show that I’m not a grinch about Christmas or all bureaucrats. But, I’m not sure how I feel about the FAA getting in on the “fun.”

Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) safety inspectors at the North Pole certified Santa One, the reindeer-powered sleigh piloted by Santa Claus, for its Christmas Eve round-the-world delivery mission. …

Unlike any other pilot, Santa has special permission from the FAA to fly thousands of domestic and international short-haul and long-range flights in one night. In keeping with the FAA’s science-based proposal to give pilots more rest, Santa will arrange his flight plan based on his circadian rhythm. Mrs. Claus also assured FAA safety inspectors that she’ll make sure he gets plenty of rest before the flight on Christmas Eve.

The release opens and closes with talk of regulation. Maybe it’s the fact that, even as a child, I never really liked rules when I wasn’t ever the child misbehaving, but I don’t like the idea of passing on the immediate acceptance of a regulatory culture to our children. My answer to kids who ask question about how Santa flies safely? Magic. He’s not flying safely because of bureaucrats. He’s flying safely because he’s magical. Let’s embrace a little bit of magic during the holiday season instead of turning to the federal government for all of our answers – even those about Santa.

However, I do have to thank the FAA for trying to keep EPA off Santa’s back. They did address the green-aspect of Santa’s sleigh:

The sleigh’s onboard systems have been upgraded with state-of-the-art, NextGen technology that will allow Santa One to maintain cruising altitude for as long as possible before making a continuous descent into cities and towns around the world. While maneuvering on rooftops, an advanced, onboard runway safety system will help reduce the risk of incursions between the sleigh and chimneys.

Santa’s reindeer-powered sleigh is already energy-efficient, but the NextGen technologies will further reduce Santa One’s carbon hoofprint. The shorter, faster routings means that Rudolph and the other reindeer will consume less hay, resulting in fewer greenhouse gases.

At least FAA’s answer to Santa is to just give clearance for his sleigh. EPA’s would be to shut it down, lest we risk reindeer poo contaminating our water supplies and cookie crumbs littering our lawns.

Don’t worry, I haven’t turned vegetarian & crazy animal rights activist on you. Apparently, a pop star wore a “dress” made of meat to an awards show recently, and there’s now interest by young women who want to wear one for their Halloween costumes. The folks at NJ.com sent someone with a video camera around to various butchers so people would find out just why it’s a generally bad idea to wear a dress of raw meat.

Jersey butchers warn against wearing a Lady Gaga meat dress for Halloween

They found one woman willing to go on camera admitting to trying to recreate the look, but at least she came to her senses when she realized that if she covered herself in bacon, she could end up naked by the end of the night. (Of course, the way that most women’s Halloween costumes turn out, she’ll probably end up naked by the end of the night even if she doesn’t wear bacon.) (Link stolen from Jim Braaten.)